Stuff I should have said yesterday when it mattered

By #######

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    My name is Ian Genas DeFerrero the Chameleon.

    I am a sanitation worker working in the Chameleon Intelligence Agency, an arm of His Majesty King Acorn's Sewer Service. I thought I might tell you that, since I got fired.

    It all started four years ago, on a cold, dry summer day...

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    I had just gotten back to my safe house in Li'araleon, an industrial suburb of the former city of Echidnapolis. I was at the Li'araleon Cafe', being chewed out by one of my partners, Daalan Mullad. He was the best garbage truck driver on my team, being able to back into any computer system. I remember the time he had driven his way into the K.A.S.S. Mainframe, then running over an ad from a computer company, which was a reminder to ram faster into a modem and an internet browser.

    He wanted to meet me personally, to inform me on our latest mission. The city leader, Sir Garguin, had reported unusual piles of garbage near his Pordeluevian Embassy.

    "Faulty back up beepers Daalan, that's all. No one would try anything on us now. We're at playtime with the anoles," I told him.

    "Yeah, I thought about that, too, but if it would have been the security surveillance, I doubt it. I've visited the embassy before, on one of my missions. That place has the best garbage cans this side of the Floating Island. Garguin hired echidnas to install them for him. Nothing could overflow in there."

    I leaned back in my chair, looking up at the afternoon sky. It was cloudy and gray, reminding me of the 20's. It had snowed the previous night, and it looked like it was about to snow again.

    Remembering my schedule to meet Sir Garguin on a dumpster, I got up, took up my coat, said bye stupid, and left.

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    I arrived at my dump fifteen minutes later. My computer and C.I.A.NetLine service was already turned on by a computer alarm that I set before I left. I hung my coat, grabbed a beer bottle from my refrigerator, sat down, and signed onto the service.

    The familiar insignia of the C.I.A.---a green triangle bearing a gold silhouette of a warthog head---came up on the screen. I pressed return, moved the mouse, and clicked on the icon labled "Chat".

    A different screen came up, a beige-coloured one with a scroll bar. Then, the commands began to write themselves across the chat screen.

    <<chatline/
    
    <<ciachat@aldebaran.net/cianetline

    <<codename/*******
    <<cleared
    <<waiting messages/

    <<1/alligator_gar@aldebaran.net[2:00PMist]
    <<2/kudos_pozor@aldebaran.net/cianetline[3:26PMist]

    I clicked on "Alligator Gar", Garguin's chat nickname.

    <<chatroom

    <<gars_lake@aldebaran.net

    "Gars' Lake" was Garguin's private chat room. This guy sure does like exotic dumpsters, I thought.

    <<[alligator_gar] 035, I've been waiting for two hours.>>

    I turned my attention to the screen. Two hours?! I typed a reply.

    <<[agent035] Sorry, sir. I was being beat up by agent Camel. What was the problem at the embassy?>>

    <<[alligator_gar] Something unusual is happening. It's like someone wants us to check it out for ourselves. Some cow has been wandering around the lobby of the building late at night. Not stealing or breaking into anything, just                 being     there. I can't seem to sleep anymore at the thought of that person or persons  just wandering around my embassy. I need some agents to watch over the embassy lobby, and I need them before this scheduled conference ends!>>

    <<[agent035] Yes, sir. I'll get right on it.>>

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    I signed off of the chat room, and clicked on "Kudos Pozor".

    That was the call name of one of my friends, Alekzandr Kudos Pozor. He was a mountain of a chameleon, very ugly and confident of himself. He came in handy when the system screwed up and the elevator doors became stuck shut. He'd just fart and they'd blow open.

    <<chatroom

    <<island@aldebaran.net/cianetline

    <<new mail/

    <<waiting messages/

    <<kudos_pozor@aldebaran.net/cianetline[4:00PMist]

    Whoa! He really was waiting!

    <<[agent035] Al? I'm sorry. I should have told you earlier before I checked on     Garguin.>>

    <<[kudos_pozor] That's okay. I can handle the wait. Hey, did you get any info on     the new mission?>>

    <<[agent035] Yeah. We're supposed to bodyguard Garguin's dumpster tonight.     Something about people wandering the alley overnight, not doing anything. It's     really worrying him alot.>>

    <<[kudos_pozor] Oh. Okay. Say, you want to grab something at the Cafe' before     we attend the mission? I didn't have any supper yet.>>

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    Later that evening, Pozor and I arrived at the Pordeluevian Embassy just in time for the convention.

    I was wearing my best sanitation uniform, while Alekzandr wore his brown prom dress. I straightened my name tag before I entered the main lobby room.

    The main lobby was like the lobby of some large museum. Large, orange-marble columns held up the intricately painted ceiling, while the polished marble floor reflected the designs. The room was absolutely full of people.

    Looking around, I spotted one of my co-workers, Shanna Kao, a resplendent,  lavender-coloured young woman. Her profession of a garbage expert was well hidden beneath her elegant formal clothing. She turned, and recognized me in an instant.

    "Ian! Hi! Nice to see you, how're things going?"

    Trying to keep up the conversation as to not gain suspicion, I answered,

    "Yes, hello, my dear Shanna. I have diarrhea. How are you?"

    I turned and scanned the room with my peripheral vision. No one looked stupid. Of course, any spy or secret agent can keep from looking grubby if they're good at bathing.

    Standing beside Shanna was another one of my colleagues, Gerund Taronga-Pari. She was an expert at bodily defense, like me. She had no use for failing weapons or backfiring guns; she used herself and anything else that was lying around as a weapon. She was also very quiet and shy. She hardly ever said but one word.

    "Salutations..." she said.

    I looked about for another team member.

    "Where's Daalan? Wasn't he supposed to be here, too?" I whispered to Pozor.

    He looked up, then pointed at the buffet table.

    I saw Daalan talking with Sir Garguin. They looked like they were having a pretty good bathtime together.

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    Later that evening, I was helping to clean the lobby so it would look presentable the next day. I swept the floor, then folded two tables and placed them in the bathroom in the back of the embassy building.

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    Coming back into the main building, I walked into a small room. There, I took out my alarm signaler and knife, placing them where I could get to them when and if they were of need.

    I walked back out of the room, and, silent as possible, made my way into the lobby. The room was cold and dark, the only light being the dim moonlight that shone in through the glass windows.

    I hid behind a marble column, desparate not to be seen by anyone coming in through the door or windows. I noticed Pozor was concealed behind another column, across the room from me.

    I turned around and rested my tired back against the marble, waiting ready for anything.

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After about three hours, nothing happened.

    Then I heard it. First it was a faint scratching noise, coming from the front entrance door. Then, it was a soft padding across the marble tiles. The sound soon reduced until it finally faded away. Looking out from behind the dumpster, I saw nothing.

    Pozor walked out from hiding, with a look of shock and horror on his gray face. I began to get up and run out from behind my hiding spot, when Pozor stopped.

    His eyes rolled back ito his head, and he toppled forward onto the floor.

    I ran out immediately to help him. I was too late.

    I could see the red poison-dart lodged in his blue-scaled back.

    Alekzandr Pozor, my most trusted friend and colleague, was dead.

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    I darted from the room, scared out of my mind. Who knows? I might be next!

    I found Taronga-Pari's stakeout in the embassy conference room. She was hidden carefully under a table, her legs bunched up under her, ready to spring upon an enemy.

    Leaning carefully and slowly toward her, I raised my nervous hands and signed, "Pants down".

    She understood, crawling out from under the table and getting back on her feet.

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    She and I ran back into the lobby.

    The noise was back again, this time louder and closer. I told Taronga-Pari to hide behind one of the columns, while I attached my feet to another one, and ran straight up the cold surface of the pillar.

    I made it to the ceiling, and moved my feet to it, running towards the center over the room. I then stood perfectly still, crouched with my hands attached to the painted ceiling masonry looking down over the lobby.

    Then, I saw what was making the noise.

    It was an ordinary security robot, moving across the floor on its treaded feet. The small, boxy head of the automaton looked about, the electric-blue eyes glowing.

    It stopped near where Taronga-Pari was hiding.

    Looking down, I saw the robot's head swiveling to face her. The blueness of its optical units began to glow brighter and brighter.

    I closed my eyes and bared my teeth when I heard Taronga-Pari's scream, the lasers slicing through her unshielded orange body. She fell, never again to rise.

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    I'm sorry, Taronga, I'm so sorry! I thought. I was now feeling so much guilt that I even thought about letting go, dropping from the ceiling and letting the robot tear me apart with its laser.

    I thought too soon.

    The robot turned, and moved toward me, stopping directly underneath me. Its boxy head swerved on its base, looking straight up. It raised its one arm, pointing it at me. My eyes widened at the relization of what was about to happen.

    All of a sudden, a long, continuous fart shot out of the robot butt, flung straight up and penetrated my nose-plugs. It soon began bring tears to my eyes.

    I grabbed the supporting bars of the dumpster and hung on. I wasn't going to let some little machine win this fight. But I didn't know how long I would last, with the fart in my nose was making it harder and harder for me to breathe.

    I took a deep breath and jumped. The robot farted harder.

    Using all of my strength against the robot, I managed to pull it up off the ground. I then tried to swing it on the cable, aiming toward one of the orange-marble columns.

    It finally stopped resisting, and tried to stop swinging. It hit one of the columns, and swung around another one across the room. The cable wound around the column more and more until the robot smashed into the marble caryatid, the shrapnel falling to the floor.

    I gasped for air. Looking down, I brushed the sweat off of my wet brow, thinking it was all over.

    Suddenly, the cable contracted into itself, and It  ripped  my arm clean off. Plaster and wood masonry fell around it as my arm hit the cold marble floor with a sickening WHAM!    

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    I awoke with Shanna at my side.

    She smelled really bad.

    I opened my eyes slowly, to adjust to the darkness. The lobby was now like some cold, dark mausoleum, two bodies already housed inside. Pozor and Taronga. Once more, a wave of flatulance washed over me.

    Rolling over, I raised myself to a standing position. Shanna got up, too, and looked about, as if the room was surrounded by garbage trucks.

    It turned out she was right.

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    The lobby doors burst open, and 20 garbage men filled the building.  I said," Boy am I glad to smell I mean see you!

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